Do you know a friend or family member going through a crisis or grieving the loss of a loved one? All of us have felt powerless to help, wanting to do something for them, but what?

My brother, Matt Johnson, climbed Mt. Fuji in Japan in the winter of January 2012—and disappeared. For six agonizing months, our family desperately searched across the world for clues to my brother’s whereabouts but found nothing. Deep snow, subzero temperatures, communication challenges, and more stretched us beyond our breaking point. Overnight, our family was thrown into local, national, and international news headlines, stirring up sympathy from family, friends, and perfect strangers. The outpouring of love and support was welcome and deeply felt, but overwhelming. The logistics of replying to those who reached out to us were challenging, and coordinating meal times and visits on top of the whirlwind was appreciated beyond measure, yet also taxing.

Looking back, the added stress during an already exasperating situation could’ve been avoided. Good intentions are wonderful, but next time a friend or family member struggles with grief or trauma, I'd recommend a few simple things in mind so your friend will truly appreciate your help and thoughtfulness.

Here are 10 simple things to remember when someone is mourning or experiencing an emergency:

It’s Not About You.

Repeat this until it sinks in. When someone is hurting, it’s human nature to reach out immediately to show love and support, so they know you care. However, that may not be in their best interest. Why? Because unless you already communicate with that person daily, it’s an added stress to remember to reply, even with the best intentions. My phone, inbox, and message apps were full of warm sentiments within hours of my brother’s disappearance. I naturally wanted to respond to everyone, but I was in shock and didn’t function normally, nor did I have the time to dedicate custom replies I felt each person deserved. As a result, each incoming message felt more like another thing to add to my “to do” list rather than the soothing peace and love it was intended to bring.

Instead of firing off a message immediately, be ok with hearing news about the situation through less personal mass communication. In my case, I began to update everyone on social media, where thousands of followers could receive accurate news directly from the source (me). Otherwise, I’d still be texting and emailing people back weeks later. It’s not that I didn’t care about each person who reached out because I did, but the goal was to find a less stressful way for me to talk with everyone. Remember, it’s not about you. It’s about your friend or family member who suddenly had their world flip upside down. Thankfully, you’re not the only one who cares for this family and situation, which is a beautiful gift! Steward it wisely.

Do Say “No need to reply, but…”

Chances are, human nature will get the best of you, and you’ll ignore my first point. So, when you do text or message your friend, please, please, please start your message with: “No need to reply, but…” This tiny gesture relieves a world of pressure off your friend’s shoulders and gives them the grace to reply later or not at all. Don’t ask any questions that require a response. Simply state that you care, and don’t be passive-aggressive about it down the road. You know what I mean. Just be ok with your friend not responding. If you can’t handle it, go back and reread my first recommendation.

Don’t Lie.

Countless people, meaning well, thought they cared for me when they smiled and said, “Don’t worry, God won’t give you more than you can handle!” Please, don’t ever say this to someone who is hurting. It’s a lie! It’s not found in the Bible. In fact, the opposite is true. God does allow suffering and tells us that we will have hardships (John 16:33). The Bible is full of stories about walking through pain and adversity! The point is that God will never leave us and He will guide us through (Deuteronomy 31:8). In doing so, we stretch, grow, and become better people (Romans 5:3).

For me, friends who said, “God won’t give you more than you can handle,” made me feel like I had failed God in the worst way, on my worst day, and when I needed Him the most. It crushed me. Though people meant well, no one needs to feel like a failure in their darkest hour, so throw this statement into the garbage.

Instead, say something like, “I don’t pretend to understand God, but…” and then add one of these:

“God is always with you,” (Matthew 28:20) or
“God delights in you,” (Zephaniah 3:17) or
“God sees you,” (Psalm 139).

Phrases like these made me feel uplifted and encouraged, and they are true. While we’re talking about hurtful phrases, toss these into the trash too:

“They’re in a better place,” or
“Life goes on,” or
“You’ll have another one,” or
“I know how you feel.”

Don’t Say “Just let me know if you need any help…”

When a loved one is going through a crisis or is in the stages of planning a funeral, don’t say, “Just let me know if you need any help!” This is the most shallow offer to lend a hand that exists in our world today. Simply saying it implies that you don’t really care. Why? It’s too generic and unmeaningful because everyone says it and doesn’t mean it. It’s like the greeting “Hi! How are you?” We really don’t want (or wait for) a response. The same exists in a crisis situation. “Just let me know if you need any help,” puts the burden back onto your suffering friend to 1) think of something they need help with, which is embarrassing, 2) communicate it with you, and then 3) execute this “helpful” deed with you that 4) you didn’t really want to do in the first place.

If your goal is to truly be a benefit to your hurting friend, do not say this useless phrase. Instead, think of something specific that your friend can simply say “yes or no” to. For example, a friend called when my brother was missing and said, “I have dinner for you. Can I bring it over at 6:00?” She didn’t ask if I wanted dinner (because I’d say no) and didn’t ask when but offered a specific drop-off time. That’s a good, helpful friend. I didn’t have to admit that I needed help and didn’t have to think about what time dinner might be that evening.

Don’t Ask, Just Tell.

Being specific is key to being helpful when a friend’s life is in upheaval. When my extended family gathered night after night to pray and get updates from Japan about my missing brother, my thoughtful aunts showed up early in the day to clean my parent’s house. They didn’t ask, but coordinated times and supplies with each other and then called when they were on their way. Serving my family this way was helpful and appreciated without making it uncomfortable.

Cleaning a home is deeply personal, so be sure your "help" matches your relationship level. One way I figure this out is by reversing roles. Put yourself into their shoes. Would you welcome this person to come clean your house during a crisis? If so, the sky is the limit.

If you don’t know a hurting friend well enough to clean toilets or do laundry, here are other ideas:

“I’m coming to get your kids. I’ll bring them back at 8:00pm tonight...”
“A few of us pitched in, and a cleaning business is coming to your house at noon on Thursday…”
“John is coming to mow your lawn. No need to come outside…”
“I left coffee on your front porch. Enjoy!”
“Check your mailbox for a special treat. I love you!”
“I love this song and thought about you.”
“I scheduled you a spa visit for Saturday at 2:00pm…”
“It’s Monday and time for the Joke of the Day! Here goes…”
“I’ll help move your mom’s stuff out of her place. I’ll be there at…”
“I’m taking your dogs to the daycare. I’ll pick them up at…”

Do Organize A Care Calendar.

For a few months after my brother’s unexpected death, friends and family filled my heart bucket with beautiful sentiments, meals, and childcare. After that, I was on my own, except for one thoughtful cousin. My cousin knew pain and heartache lasted a lifetime, so she organized a greeting card care calendar for me using a SignUp Genius form. She emailed a calendar link to my extended family, who signed up for specific dates to mail us (parents, sisters, me) greeting cards. This simple act kept my family loved and appreciated (and mailbox full!) for over a year.

The idea behind the care calendar is to love a hurting friend far after the rest return to their routines. A care calendar can be customized for whatever your friend might appreciate, including meals, cards, house cleaning, gift cards, lawn care, etc. The timeframes can also be customized (weekly, monthly, daily). My favorite feature is that SignUp Genius will remind you when your turn is coming. I recently set up a care calendar with dates filled in but left the “care” part up to the person signing up. That way, the hurting friend would receive support in multiple ways more personal to them.

Speaking of calendars, even though my brother died in 2012, some still remember because they added the date to their yearly calendar. This is a powerful way to console your friend year after year. If you’re like me, you’ll swear that you’ll never forget a certain date, especially when someone dies, but let me be honest: you will. So just add it to your calendar! A simple text message on a heavenly anniversary, including a memory, is a perfect and simple way to show you care, even years after the tragedy. For example, a cousin sent me a text mentioning that she missed how my brother used to walk down our family cottage steps, smiling and greeting everyone, with a package of hot dogs to grill for his dinner. This simple act of kindness made my day and possibly my year.

Use Their Name.

Matt wearing his “It’s not easy being the World’s Greatest Uncle” shirt

When someone dies, we tend to tread lightly around the family, often pretending the loved one didn’t exist because we don’t want to hurt any feelings. This is more hurtful than people realize. Instead, say their name and tell stories! I always appreciate friends sharing stories or memories about my brother because it keeps him alive.

The other day, I overheard my ten-year-old daughter talking to her friends, mentioning that her Uncle Matt used to wear a t-shirt that said, “World’s Greatest Uncle.” She’s right, but she has never met her uncle because I was pregnant with her when my brother went missing. Yet, I’m proud beyond words that the stories we’ve shared over time has kept her Uncle Matt very much alive.

Offer Hugs, Not Words.

When someone dies, it’s hard to figure out what to say. Often, the things we blurt out are most hurtful, so be ok with the silence. Don’t avoid your friend thinking they need “space” because they can tell. A hug may be all that is required. Simply being present with your grieving friend is all they might need, and use words sparingly.

I remember when my parent’s pastor rang the doorbell at their house. We had just announced that our last ditch effort to find my brother alive on Mt. Fuji had failed, and my family was sitting at the kitchen table, crying. The pastor was welcomed in like family. He apologized for interrupting and then sat and cried with us. He didn’t offer any flowery speeches or biblical wisdom. He simply joined our grief.

Do Make Mementos.

Whether it’s a scrapbook, a picture frame, a necklace, or a book, gifting your friend with a memento of their loved one is forever kind and thoughtful. My aunts gave my mom a necklace in honor of my brother, and a creative friend spent days building a scrapbook full of my brother’s newspaper clippings and old pictures. A cousin spent time putting together a photo book of Matt and included memories and stories on each page. I wrote a book, but that’s a bit tedious! You can follow my publishing journey here.

Gifts don’t have to be expensive or time-consuming to make a powerful impact. The idea is to show that you care. You know your friend and what they will love. Maybe it’s a pillow made from a special shirt, a blanket, or coffee mug, but the more personalized, the better. I’ve seen tiny hands and precious baby feet formed into necklaces, and loved ones’ handwriting preserved onto journals, jewelry, and wall art. I’ve also seen tattoos, but I tend to wonder what happens when the next person dies and the next? There’s a limited amount of surface area for all those loved ones!

Do show up for the long game.

Dealing with grief is frustrating and complicated because it’s so personal and unpredictable. Don’t leave your hurting friend after two weeks, two months, or even two years. The road of sorrow lasts a lifetime, and try your best to acknowledge that and be flexible. Be ready for your loved one to be completely fine one day and a hot mess the next, especially if your friend is walking through a catastrophic emergency.

A decade after my brother passed, I still received warm sentiments from those who walked with us during that season. I still carry around my brother’s backpack from his rental car parked on Mt. Fuji, and I still write while sitting in his office chair sometimes. My friends know this about me and don’t belittle me for it. I still have a photo of Matt in my living room, and look at it every time I pass by.

The people we love will always be part of our lives even when they’re gone, so help your hurting friends by commenting on the wall art in their home, their new tattoo, necklace, or photobook. Show up for the long game because they will need you.

Have you lost someone you loved recently? Are you grieving or mourning and want some help?

Check out my blog post “8 Simple Things That Helped Me Grieve.”

10 Simple Things to Do (and Don’t) to Help Someone Through a Crisis or Loss